i spanked my son today.
it was nap time. he was thrashing all over the bed and i had been trying for over an hour to help him calm his body down. “when you aren’t careful with your body, you can get hurt.” “when you aren’t in control of your body, you can hurt other people.” “because you are being unsafe with your body, i am going to hold you close so you don’t get hurt and so mommy doesn’t get hurt.” WHACK. i was hit with a flying limb (i’m not even sure if it was a foot or an arm). my reaction was so quick. i sat upright and thumped him on the bottom before the tingling from the hit had even subsided. mortified, i just stared at my son. i began to bawl and apologize to dougie through my tears. thankfully, he was completely unfazed and eventually he did stop fighting and gave into sleep. i’m tired. i’m so so tired. and i’m sad. i’m devastated and ashamed because today i wasn’t the mom i want to be. the mom i’ve wanted to be since i was a little girl playing with my american girl dolls. i feel as though i’ve let down my kids. my family. myself. i seek no validation in sharing this. i know tomorrow is a new day and two year olds are tough and being a new mom is exhausting. i think i just grieve because i know i’m never going to be the salt of the earth chill and laid back mom i hoped i’d be. i’m not a kumbaya mom. i don’t have a kumbaya kid. i live with anxiety and depression and i fight those battles alongside the “no, we can’t have ranch dressing for breakfast” and “yes, we have to wear pants to go to target” battles every day. i wish i was more patient. less stubborn. full of grace. but i’m not. i’m human. ridiculously flawed, constantly making mistakes and seeking perfection in an imperfect world. i don’t have single clue what i’m doing. the only thing i’m sure of most days is that i love my kids. even when i don’t always like them. as may turns to june it closes out mental health awareness month. if you are someone who fights ugly thoughts your mind creates for no reason i want you to know: you are not a monster. if you are a mom who gets angry and yells and yes, even spanks from time to time: you are not a failure. or an asshole. you are a regular person doing a job that is really fucking hard. we pick our battles in this life and though we make mistakes, i hold tight to the belief that most people are doing the best they can. i choose to be hopeful in the face of difficulty and positive even when things are yucky. amidst the craziness of the nap time from hell today i was able to call my people for support and encouragement. we aren’t wired to do things alone and man, am i thankful for the people in my corner. i write this now in cozy jammies with a milkshake in my hand and peace in my restless heart, knowing that tomorrow is a whole new day. i’m not going to get it right all the time. in all honesty, i’d say i’m more likely to get it wrong on any given occasion. but i’ll do my best and pray that my kids experience just enough trauma to make them funny and interesting to talk to at parties. hang in there, humans. some days are just bad. even in australia.
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