i have always loved the freshness of starting a brand new year. i can remember being in school and coming up with resolutions that went something like "i'm going to climb all of the monkey bars this year" (i was 6) or the ever-present "i'm going to be kinder to my sisters." i suppose i've always liked resoltions because i've always loved the notion that you can change at any time. that it's never too late to start over or try again. perhaps that's why i became a teacher. in the nugget classroom we spend our days trying over and over again. failing from time to time but also succeeding so very often. as i reflect on my year in 2016 i am humbled by my failings and short comings. see, i used to think that resolutions were like promises. i realized that i never resolved to do anything that was beyond my comfort capacity as i was growing up. this was because i felt that in failing in a resolution endeavor, i was breaking a promise. i used to think that there was no greater sin than breaking a promise. this made it easy for me to hate promise-breakers. that is, until i became a promise-breaker myself. i gave my word and took it back. i broke something and it will never be the same again. but i learned that not all promises are meant to be kept. humans make promises for the same reason they make resolutions: because it is the sincere belief and hope in a potential change. to make a promise is to choose hope. hope that you will treat someone better or act better or just be better. i had a fairly significant and recent battle with depression and anxiety during which i learned a few things about pain and promises. for a long while i told myself i wasn't allowed to feel the way i felt because of all the many blessings in my life. you work with precious angels, you can't be sad. you have an amazing family, you can't be angry. you have clean water and a home and friends, you can't be dejected. but i was. and it had nothing to do with the bountiful blessings in my life. it had to do with me. see, i believed that because i broke a promise i was the worst person in the world. i believed that i didn't deserve to be happy or to feel joy because i had taken that from someone else. i felt that depression was the price of the pain i caused. but you know what? i was wrong. sometimes people just lose their way. and even good people break promises from time to time. i am a good person who battles depression and anxiety. i am a good person who broke a promise. i lost my way. but i'm not lost. because all those blessings i didn't think i deserved are my lifelines and backbones. they help me when i stray off the path. they support me as i try again. rebuilding what was broken. they love me even though i don't always keep my promises and resolutions. and that is perhaps the most beautiful thing about the human spirit: its ability to love in the most unfair and undeserving situations. jesus taught us that. so as we begin this new year together and call to mind the resolutions we have i just want you to know, make or break that resolution: you are ok. and furthermore, you are loved. bring it on, 2017. ready or not, here we come.
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