yesterday i cut all my hair off because it’s been getting in the way when i throw up.
i’m 12 weeks pregnant. i wanted to share this news with you all in a super cute and clever way but the truth is there isn’t really anything cute about this first trimester. i feel sicker than i ever have in my life. i’ve spent the better part of the last 6 weeks in and out of bathrooms and doctor’s offices where nice nurses try to explain why i keep pooping my pants and throwing up uncontrollably. i’ve given every imaginable sample from blood to stool and i keep plastic bags in my car because i can’t travel without becoming ill. my favorite game to play is “why is the pregnant lady crying?” today it was because the movie burlesque really touched me. real tear-jerker, that burlesque. i blame cher. i cried later because mama mia 2 isn’t yet available to rent on apple tv. then i cried because there are SO many worse things happening in the world than the release date of mama mia 2 and i felt like a selfish asshole. i really thought i would be better at being pregnant. i thought i’d be one of those ladies who crushed the name of the game with baby carrying. glowing and gleaming and all the other fun adjectives. i thought i’d feel happier. but i don’t. i feel hella sick and weak and sad. and then i feel horrible for feeling that way about something so wonderful that i’ve wanted for forever. and then i throw up. you sense the cycle. anyway, i wanted to share this with you all because i want you to know that whatever it is that you wish was “instagrammable” about your life right now doesn’t need to be pretty and perfect to be worth sharing. i wanted to go to a pumpkin patch and make some stranger take picture (on portrait mode) of drew and i with pumpkins and our sonogram photo. but that’s not what my life looks like right now. and that’s ok. i’m allowed to be happy about this new adventure and sad about feeling shitty at the same time. you’re allowed to feel more than one way too. today i choose to share this news with you all because i love you and the news itself is more beautiful than any portrait mode picture. baby h is due to make a grand appearance april 30, 2019. drew and i can’t wait. and i personally can’t wait until the second trimester begins. peace love and zofran, lh
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