i don't know what other writers do when they get "the itch."
no, not that itch. the writing itch. the feeling that there's something in your brain demanding to be translated to paper. for me, the itch usually comes when i'm trying to fall asleep. and in my experience, fighting the itch only leads to a sleepless night and a headache, so i choose to indulge and settle in with a cup of tea and my computer. i had to write an apology note to a friend the other day. i was an asshole. a total butthead. and i needed to say sorry. i literally wrote in the card, "i'm just feeling salty because i got fat and i'm having a hard time making another baby." 2020 has been a doozy, ya'll. and yet, that's no excuse for being a dick. i've been thinking a lot lately about the sanctity of friendships. specifically, female friendships. the truth is, i've always considered myself to be a good friend. but i think that sometimes i'm not so much being a "friend" as i am just being "friendly." being friendly is easy. to be friendly is to be polite, chatty, surface level pleasant. being a friend is messy. it's gritty, ugly, "you're being horrible and i love you too much to sit back and watch you go down this path," kind of stuff. not all the time, of course. but that side of things is certainly there. i think of it like this, "friendly" gets my instagram. filtered, pretty, polished fragments of my life that i choose to share and have complete control over, no matter what. "a friend" is more likely to get my google search history. scattered, manic, crazed, and definitely not cute. i have been a pretty shitty friend in the past. i've been selfish and reckless. i've chosen to be indifferent and uncaring when i could have chosen to be kind and compassionate. my mom always says that you can choose to be "right" or you can choose to be "relational." well, let's just say i've chosen "right" more times than i'm proud to admit. when i get hurt or upset i put my blinders on and become unfeeling to those around me. my anxiety and depression sometimes make it seem easier to put up walls and shut out my friends because in letting them in, i'm also letting in the discomfort that comes with growth. in short, when i'm sad or angry, i can't see past my own pain or acknowledge anyone else's. and instead of facing my issues and fears, i have a tendency to run (well, fast walk) in the opposite direction. and in doing so, i plow over my friends who mean so much to me. i don't disclose this for validation or sympathy. i share this because i want to take responsibility for the choices i've made and actively turn away from these selfish habits. i want my son to grow up and have strong, loving, respectful friendships like i have. i want my son to be a good friend. and he's going to be looking to me for an example of what that looks like. i'm incredibly fortunate to have many strong female friendships. i consider them to be some of my greatest blessings in this life. the women in my life are steady, wise, vulnerable, gracious and utterly delightful. i am truly the luckiest to have them in my corner. even when i'm an asshole. i encourage you to reach out to a friend. each day of this dumpster fire of a year holds so much uncertainty. and yet, the thing i know i can be certain of, is my friends. and for that, i am grateful.
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