this morning i attended my first workout class since having doug.
i wish i could tell you it’s because i want to better myself and self-care and all that but if i’m being honest, it’s because i have a wedding in three weeks and a dress i need to fit into. but hey, a reason is a reason right? anyway, i was agonizing last night as i thought about my 6 am barre class. i looked through my dresser trying to find an outfit that would make me look skinnier than i am. will my butt sweat show in these leggings? is this sports bra too tight? dear god, what if i lactate during class? the truth is, i’ve put on weight since doug was born and it’s not in the most flattering places. i’m never not sweating and i justify eating ice cream at any point during the day. don’t get me wrong, i’ve never been the skinniest or fittest lady in class, i’ve just never been the biggest. so this morning when my alarm went off, i started to think of all the reasons why this class was a bad idea. you’ll never make it. you’ll look like an idiot. you can’t do it. and again, i’d love to say that i practiced positive self-talk and banished all my negative thoughts with the power of confidence and beyoncé. but in reality i simply told myself “you gotta fit in that dress, girl” and promised myself i’d get an iced coffee afterwards. hey whatever works, yo. when i arrived at class (on time no less!) there was only one spot left in the studio. the sun wasn’t even up and this place was packed with women. women of every race, shape, size and age. each one there for her own reasons. i felt immediately better. i was truly encouraged by the sheer number of people in that room. now, pre-baby laura was a bit of a comparer in group fitness classes. am i doing it right? that lady’s feet are more pointed. that lady is doing better than i am. that lady is barely breaking a sweat does she even have sweat ducts!? i know they say just worry about yourself but come on, if they really wanted us to only look at ourselves they wouldn’t line the damn walls with mirrors. today was different though. when i couldn’t do something as well as my neighbor i didn’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. when i began to sweat profusely (about .838483 seconds after starting) i toweled off and embraced it. i looked around the room and instead of feeling inadequate i felt something totally different. something new. i felt proud. i felt strong. i felt grateful. i thought about how much my body has been through over the past year and all the good that’s come from the changes i’ve experienced. instead of noticing the clothes my peers were wearing i found myself noticing their scars. the ankle scars. the shoulder scars. the scars that aren’t visible but are surely there hiding beneath the surface. each of my classmates has a body that contains stories and pains and memories and life. i can get so bogged down by what i see in the mirror sometimes that i truly forget how amazing biology is. i made a human, who cares if i can’t do a friggin side plank? and you know what? even if my body didn’t make a baby it would still be hella amazing. i have a heart in my chest and a brain in my head that allow me to contribute good to the world everyday in tons of different ways. and what’s more: you do too! butt sweat be damned, our bodies are incredible and i choose to celebrate mine today. this doesn’t mean i won’t be back to my worrisome self tomorrow. heck, those feelings of self-doubt and inadequacy may even creep their way back into my mind this afternoon. but for right now, i’m going to celebrate what my body accomplished today because i was able to get out of my own head. and it is my sincerest wish that you experience that same kind of pride today too. in culture that seems hell-bent determined to make us feel bad about ourselves, we must take these small victories and cherish them. so whatever victory you’re celebrating today, just know i’m celebrating right along with you. forever rooting for you, lh
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